Thought You Were Gone (revised) August 2010

I wrote this poem four months ago. Now that I have gone over it, I know that my struggle to be the person I want to be is not over but is going to continue until I die(as will it for you) While I've taken many steps forward in my healing journey, I have taken some huge steps backwards. I still have days where I cant be sober and look at myself in a mirror but I also have many days where I allow the good that is in me to flow. I encourage all of you my friends who are struggling with hopelessness, depression, self hate, abuse, addiction or whatever chains that bind you, to not lose hope. No matter how damaging the storm is that you may be in, there is always beauty in the broken and sunshine through the rain. I'm leaving the original poem on my page but really thought I needed to change some things. I love you all!!!!



Thought You Were Gone


Thought you were gone
Thought you were dead
But there you are trapped inside of my head

My lips are moving
Your ears turn deaf to my plea
Want to hold you close so that you can see
How sorry I am that I left you all alone
For these vast sins against you, I will atone

You turn to me as silent tears fall from your sorrowful brown eyes
We are twisted and tied up in a suffocating web of lies
I have hated you more than anyone could
When no one would abuse you...... I would

I can't number the times I would shame you for the tears you would cry
Wishing that weak little girl inside of me would crumble up and die
Everyone you loved was to screwed up to see
The wonderful person you wanted to be
You tried without ceasing to be good enough to be loved and cherished
Yet nothing was ever good enough and your soul began to perish

You found no love at home so your little feet began to wonder
Trying to figure out how to fill this void your mind began to ponder
You thought you were smart and had figured it out
A love of a man is what it was all aboutYou compromised yourself time and time again
Adding constantly to your growing number of sins
Each compromise made you even more broken then before
Empty and defeated you felt like a dirty whore

I could not take watching you self destruct and needed to do something fast
So I buried you deep within and forgot about you at long last
The years rolled by and I was making wiser choices
All I could hear now were positive voices
I started a family more beautiful than I could have ever dreamed
I had it all togetherAt least that is how it seemed

Your voice started coming back as a whisper in my dreams at night
Desperately trying to silence you
I began to fight
I tried to silence you with beer, shame and christian work
Yet there in the depths of my anquished soul did you lurk.
It seemed everywhere I turned you were there
Looking at your pain was more then I could bare
I became ever so desperate to push you away
Little compromises started creeping back into my day
Little compromises turned into enourmous ones that could not be taken back
All those good morals I had worked on are under massive attack

I look up to heaven with my hands held high
Please forgive me Lord while I sit here and cry
I've made a mess of my life as anyone can see
Wanting your Grace to restore me back to the woman you would have me to be

God shows me the only way to begin to heal is to turn back and face the pain of the past
Find that child within me and warmly embrace her at long last
Now that I have stopped running from the damaged little girl that lives inside
I see that she is beautiful and need no longer hide
Walking through this pain will not kill me you see
For I know God is right here walking along with me

Hush little girl, let me dry your tears one by one
For you need not live in darkness come out and feel the warmth of the sun
Little child within I'm sorry it took me so long to see
That you are a most beautiful part of me!!