Is it ok to be Angry With God?

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I watched Boys N the Hood tonight and it was most upsetting to say the least. It got me thinking. I've always have had this love for people i could not understand. You give me an underdog or a junkiie and I can find good in them. There has always been something in me that has clung onto the idea that human life no matter how big, small, old, young has incredible value and has hope. Something inside of me has changed thiis year. I don't know if it is all bad but the hope I have had in people is not what it use to be. I at times feel numb because I am learning some things that are twisted can never be made straight again and some people are so far gone that there is nothing I can do to change it. Worst of all I cant seem to do the right things when I want to. I have learned this year that every human is capable of anything given the right circumstances. ANYTHING including myself! I have been saddened by church. I have found out first hand that if you bring someone to church that doesn't talk proper, look a certain way, act in a fashion that is to anothers liking that you will be quietly shunned or ignored all together. There have been many times this year where I lay awake at night wrestling with God asking Him the hard questions. Tears of rage, tears of sadness, tears of opportunities not taken, tears of shame for the mess I've made of my own life from time to time and most of all tears for all the hurting people in the world I can do nothing about. I have gone to God with such surprising anger and resentment and have stood amazed how even though I greet him at times with such pain and hostility that his responce to me is a peace in my soul I cant even explain. I have not untwisted what is bent but I have learned that I can take my hate, rage, confusion and bitterness to God, not just my praise and thanks. I could never have imagined that it was ok to be mad at God and not reap the consequences. I will be the first person to admit that I don't have everything figured out. Some days it is hard to even get out of bed but this I know still for certain....our lives are a gift and there still is good to be found in every single day. God is still good even when I don't have the capasity to understand.