Saturday, November 21, 2009
I watched Boys N the Hood tonight and it was most upsetting to say the least. It got me thinking. I've always have had this love for people i could not understand. You give me an underdog or a junkiie and I can find good in them. There has always been something in me that has clung onto the idea that human life no matter how big, small, old, young has incredible value and has hope. Something inside of me has changed thiis year. I don't know if it is all bad but the hope I have had in people is not what it use to be. I at times feel numb because I am learning some things that are twisted can never be made straight again and some people are so far gone that there is nothing I can do to change it. Worst of all I cant seem to do the right things when I want to. I have learned this year that every human is capable of anything given the right circumstances. ANYTHING including myself! I have been saddened by church. I have found out first hand that if you bring someone to church that doesn't talk proper, look a certain way, act in a fashion that is to anothers liking that you will be quietly shunned or ignored all together. There have been many times this year where I lay awake at night wrestling with God asking Him the hard questions. Tears of rage, tears of sadness, tears of opportunities not taken, tears of shame for the mess I've made of my own life from time to time and most of all tears for all the hurting people in the world I can do nothing about. I have gone to God with such surprising anger and resentment and have stood amazed how even though I greet him at times with such pain and hostility that his responce to me is a peace in my soul I cant even explain. I have not untwisted what is bent but I have learned that I can take my hate, rage, confusion and bitterness to God, not just my praise and thanks. I could never have imagined that it was ok to be mad at God and not reap the consequences. I will be the first person to admit that I don't have everything figured out. Some days it is hard to even get out of bed but this I know still for certain....our lives are a gift and there still is good to be found in every single day. God is still good even when I don't have the capasity to understand.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Tiger After My Nookie
I woke up this morning and who did I see?
Why it was Tiger Woods starring back at me.
I jumped out of bed with super hero speed
Grabbed a spongebob bat ready to see him bleed
Put the bat down sexy Sandy and hear what I say.
Without your nookie I will not last another day.
I don't even know you Tiger, stop telling me these lies
Before I do more than blacken your eyes.
I saw your picture on facebook and right then I knew
Bootylicious Sandy, you're the one I want to do.
I can understand how you find me so yummy and fine.
Yet your adulterous offer I must decline.
For my nookie belongs to another who I adore
So get out of my house, for with me you will not score.
Tiger began to weep and went for the door.
For his lustful heart could take no more.
When he opened my front door he had such a fright
for it was his wife Elin standing there ready to fight.
She pulled out a sling shot and took off her wedding ring.
Ready to show cheating Tiger who was king.
With the power of the energizer bunny on crack, Elin pulled back the sling shot ready to fire her ring at him.
The chances for Tiger to escape were growing slim.
Then it happened, who would have known
That the ring hit him in his favorite erogenous zone.
Tiger doubled over with such agonizing pain.
Wondering how he could get through life without his main vein.
I was afraid Elin would hurt me next so I slowly began to close my door.
Fear not Sandy, for I know you are not a dirty whore.
Relief swept over me like an intravenous drug
Then Elin reached out and gave me a great big hug.
Sandy there is something I want you to know,
I stalk you on facebook and see all the love you show.
So I knew that Tiger is a man you would not do,
For your husband Hans is the only one you wish to pursue.
I ask Elin if she would like to come in for a cup of tea
She said sure but first I have to pee.
After she had her tea we said our good-byes
I felt a connection with her this I could not deny.
She left dragging her broken Tiger behind
Praying for healing and a better state of mind.
I cant believe how crazy my morning has been so far.
Tiger Woods really broke in trying to get into my nookie jar.
I wonder if I will ever see Elin and Tiger again in my life
and if Elin will remain as Tigers wife.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Why it was Tiger Woods starring back at me.
I jumped out of bed with super hero speed
Grabbed a spongebob bat ready to see him bleed
Put the bat down sexy Sandy and hear what I say.
Without your nookie I will not last another day.
I don't even know you Tiger, stop telling me these lies
Before I do more than blacken your eyes.
I saw your picture on facebook and right then I knew
Bootylicious Sandy, you're the one I want to do.
I can understand how you find me so yummy and fine.
Yet your adulterous offer I must decline.
For my nookie belongs to another who I adore
So get out of my house, for with me you will not score.
Tiger began to weep and went for the door.
For his lustful heart could take no more.
When he opened my front door he had such a fright
for it was his wife Elin standing there ready to fight.
She pulled out a sling shot and took off her wedding ring.
Ready to show cheating Tiger who was king.
With the power of the energizer bunny on crack, Elin pulled back the sling shot ready to fire her ring at him.
The chances for Tiger to escape were growing slim.
Then it happened, who would have known
That the ring hit him in his favorite erogenous zone.
Tiger doubled over with such agonizing pain.
Wondering how he could get through life without his main vein.
I was afraid Elin would hurt me next so I slowly began to close my door.
Fear not Sandy, for I know you are not a dirty whore.
Relief swept over me like an intravenous drug
Then Elin reached out and gave me a great big hug.
Sandy there is something I want you to know,
I stalk you on facebook and see all the love you show.
So I knew that Tiger is a man you would not do,
For your husband Hans is the only one you wish to pursue.
I ask Elin if she would like to come in for a cup of tea
She said sure but first I have to pee.
After she had her tea we said our good-byes
I felt a connection with her this I could not deny.
She left dragging her broken Tiger behind
Praying for healing and a better state of mind.
I cant believe how crazy my morning has been so far.
Tiger Woods really broke in trying to get into my nookie jar.
I wonder if I will ever see Elin and Tiger again in my life
and if Elin will remain as Tigers wife.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Swept Away
Passion wraps its enticing hands around my neck as it invites me to play
Intoxicating my senses and not allowing me to turn away
I am captivated while trying to ignore its blazing fury of fire
I begin to fight against the rising tide of my undeniable desire
The truth is that I want to be swept away
So I'll give in and save my fight for another day
5/19/10
Intoxicating my senses and not allowing me to turn away
I am captivated while trying to ignore its blazing fury of fire
I begin to fight against the rising tide of my undeniable desire
The truth is that I want to be swept away
So I'll give in and save my fight for another day
5/19/10
His Name is Desire
His name is Desire and he stalks me in my restless sleep.
His dirty little secrets he pleads with me to keep.
He spins for me an erotic web of passion and lies.
Yet all he really wants is to feel the warmth between my trembling thighs.
He weakens my defenses with his aroma of understanding and healing.
He controls not just my body but inner thoughts and feeling.
I push Desire away while hopelessly pulling him even closer within me.
I am shackled in his lusty prison as I struggle in vain to be free.
Will I ever break away from this unquenchable thirst I call Desire?
Or will I continue to succumb to his all consuming fire?
5/20/10
His dirty little secrets he pleads with me to keep.
He spins for me an erotic web of passion and lies.
Yet all he really wants is to feel the warmth between my trembling thighs.
He weakens my defenses with his aroma of understanding and healing.
He controls not just my body but inner thoughts and feeling.
I push Desire away while hopelessly pulling him even closer within me.
I am shackled in his lusty prison as I struggle in vain to be free.
Will I ever break away from this unquenchable thirst I call Desire?
Or will I continue to succumb to his all consuming fire?
5/20/10
Thought You Were Gone (revised) August 2010
I wrote this poem four months ago. Now that I have gone over it, I know that my struggle to be the person I want to be is not over but is going to continue until I die(as will it for you) While I've taken many steps forward in my healing journey, I have taken some huge steps backwards. I still have days where I cant be sober and look at myself in a mirror but I also have many days where I allow the good that is in me to flow. I encourage all of you my friends who are struggling with hopelessness, depression, self hate, abuse, addiction or whatever chains that bind you, to not lose hope. No matter how damaging the storm is that you may be in, there is always beauty in the broken and sunshine through the rain. I'm leaving the original poem on my page but really thought I needed to change some things. I love you all!!!!
Thought You Were Gone
Thought you were gone
Thought you were dead
But there you are trapped inside of my head
My lips are moving
Your ears turn deaf to my plea
Want to hold you close so that you can see
How sorry I am that I left you all alone
For these vast sins against you, I will atone
You turn to me as silent tears fall from your sorrowful brown eyes
We are twisted and tied up in a suffocating web of lies
I have hated you more than anyone could
When no one would abuse you...... I would
I can't number the times I would shame you for the tears you would cry
Wishing that weak little girl inside of me would crumble up and die
Everyone you loved was to screwed up to see
The wonderful person you wanted to be
You tried without ceasing to be good enough to be loved and cherished
Yet nothing was ever good enough and your soul began to perish
You found no love at home so your little feet began to wonder
Trying to figure out how to fill this void your mind began to ponder
You thought you were smart and had figured it out
A love of a man is what it was all aboutYou compromised yourself time and time again
Adding constantly to your growing number of sins
Each compromise made you even more broken then before
Empty and defeated you felt like a dirty whore
I could not take watching you self destruct and needed to do something fast
So I buried you deep within and forgot about you at long last
The years rolled by and I was making wiser choices
All I could hear now were positive voices
I started a family more beautiful than I could have ever dreamed
I had it all togetherAt least that is how it seemed
Your voice started coming back as a whisper in my dreams at night
Desperately trying to silence you
I began to fight
I tried to silence you with beer, shame and christian work
Yet there in the depths of my anquished soul did you lurk.
It seemed everywhere I turned you were there
Looking at your pain was more then I could bare
I became ever so desperate to push you away
Little compromises started creeping back into my day
Little compromises turned into enourmous ones that could not be taken back
All those good morals I had worked on are under massive attack
I look up to heaven with my hands held high
Please forgive me Lord while I sit here and cry
I've made a mess of my life as anyone can see
Wanting your Grace to restore me back to the woman you would have me to be
God shows me the only way to begin to heal is to turn back and face the pain of the past
Find that child within me and warmly embrace her at long last
Now that I have stopped running from the damaged little girl that lives inside
I see that she is beautiful and need no longer hide
Walking through this pain will not kill me you see
For I know God is right here walking along with me
Hush little girl, let me dry your tears one by one
For you need not live in darkness come out and feel the warmth of the sun
Little child within I'm sorry it took me so long to see
That you are a most beautiful part of me!!
Thought You Were Gone
Thought you were gone
Thought you were dead
But there you are trapped inside of my head
My lips are moving
Your ears turn deaf to my plea
Want to hold you close so that you can see
How sorry I am that I left you all alone
For these vast sins against you, I will atone
You turn to me as silent tears fall from your sorrowful brown eyes
We are twisted and tied up in a suffocating web of lies
I have hated you more than anyone could
When no one would abuse you...... I would
I can't number the times I would shame you for the tears you would cry
Wishing that weak little girl inside of me would crumble up and die
Everyone you loved was to screwed up to see
The wonderful person you wanted to be
You tried without ceasing to be good enough to be loved and cherished
Yet nothing was ever good enough and your soul began to perish
You found no love at home so your little feet began to wonder
Trying to figure out how to fill this void your mind began to ponder
You thought you were smart and had figured it out
A love of a man is what it was all aboutYou compromised yourself time and time again
Adding constantly to your growing number of sins
Each compromise made you even more broken then before
Empty and defeated you felt like a dirty whore
I could not take watching you self destruct and needed to do something fast
So I buried you deep within and forgot about you at long last
The years rolled by and I was making wiser choices
All I could hear now were positive voices
I started a family more beautiful than I could have ever dreamed
I had it all togetherAt least that is how it seemed
Your voice started coming back as a whisper in my dreams at night
Desperately trying to silence you
I began to fight
I tried to silence you with beer, shame and christian work
Yet there in the depths of my anquished soul did you lurk.
It seemed everywhere I turned you were there
Looking at your pain was more then I could bare
I became ever so desperate to push you away
Little compromises started creeping back into my day
Little compromises turned into enourmous ones that could not be taken back
All those good morals I had worked on are under massive attack
I look up to heaven with my hands held high
Please forgive me Lord while I sit here and cry
I've made a mess of my life as anyone can see
Wanting your Grace to restore me back to the woman you would have me to be
God shows me the only way to begin to heal is to turn back and face the pain of the past
Find that child within me and warmly embrace her at long last
Now that I have stopped running from the damaged little girl that lives inside
I see that she is beautiful and need no longer hide
Walking through this pain will not kill me you see
For I know God is right here walking along with me
Hush little girl, let me dry your tears one by one
For you need not live in darkness come out and feel the warmth of the sun
Little child within I'm sorry it took me so long to see
That you are a most beautiful part of me!!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Thought You Were Gone
Thought you were gone
Thought you were dead
But there you are trapped inside my head
My lips are moving
Your ears turn deaf to my plea
Want to shake you so that maybe you can see
How sorry I am I left you all alone
For these vast sins against you, I will atone
You turn to me as silent tears fall from your sorrowful brown eyes
We are twisted and tied up in a suffocating web of lies
I have hated you more than anyone could
When no one would abuse you...... I would
I can't number the times I would shame you for the tears you would cry
Wishing that weak little girl inside of me would crumble up and die
Everyone you loved was to screwed up to see
The wonderful person you wanted to be
You tried without ceasing to be good enough to be loved and cherished
Yet nothing was ever good enough and your soul began to perish
You found no love at home so your little feet began to wonder
Trying to figure out how to fill this void your mind began to ponder
You thought you were smart and had figured it out
A love of a man is what it was all about
You compromised yourself time and time again
Adding constantly to your growing number of sins
Each compromise made you even more broken then before
Empty and defeated you felt like a dirty whore
I couldn't take watching you self destruct and needed to do something fast
So I buried you deep within and forgot about you at long last
The years rolled by and I was making wiser choices
All I could hear now were positive voices
I started a family more beautiful than I could have ever dreamed
I had it all together
At least that is how it seemed
Your voice started coming back as a whisper in my head at night
Desperately trying to stuff you down
I began to fight
It seemed everywhere I turned you were there
Looking at your pain was more than I could bare
I became desperate to push you away
Little compromises started creeping back into my day
Little compromises turned into enourmous ones that could not be taken back
All those good morals I had worked on were under massive attack
I tried to fix what was broken myself but it was all in vain
All my efforts just brought on more self destruction and pain
I looked up to heaven with my hands held high
Please forgive me Lord and started to cry
I've made a mess of my life as anyone can see
Wanting your Grace to restore me back to what you would have me to be
God showed me the only way to heal was to turn back and face the pain of the past
If I wanted any kind of peace that could last
I had tried everything I knew to avoid this task at hand
Afraid this pain my heart could not withstand
Now that I am forced to take a good look at you for exactly who and what you are
I see that you are a beautiful little girl even if a little battered and scarred
Now that I have faced the pain of the past
Those chains of yesterday are fading at long last
Walking through the pain did not kill me you see
God was right there walking with me
Hush little girl you need not cry anymore
For I love you and will abuse you no more
Little child within I'm sorry it took me so long to see
That you are a most beautiful part of me!!
Thought you were dead
But there you are trapped inside my head
My lips are moving
Your ears turn deaf to my plea
Want to shake you so that maybe you can see
How sorry I am I left you all alone
For these vast sins against you, I will atone
You turn to me as silent tears fall from your sorrowful brown eyes
We are twisted and tied up in a suffocating web of lies
I have hated you more than anyone could
When no one would abuse you...... I would
I can't number the times I would shame you for the tears you would cry
Wishing that weak little girl inside of me would crumble up and die
Everyone you loved was to screwed up to see
The wonderful person you wanted to be
You tried without ceasing to be good enough to be loved and cherished
Yet nothing was ever good enough and your soul began to perish
You found no love at home so your little feet began to wonder
Trying to figure out how to fill this void your mind began to ponder
You thought you were smart and had figured it out
A love of a man is what it was all about
You compromised yourself time and time again
Adding constantly to your growing number of sins
Each compromise made you even more broken then before
Empty and defeated you felt like a dirty whore
I couldn't take watching you self destruct and needed to do something fast
So I buried you deep within and forgot about you at long last
The years rolled by and I was making wiser choices
All I could hear now were positive voices
I started a family more beautiful than I could have ever dreamed
I had it all together
At least that is how it seemed
Your voice started coming back as a whisper in my head at night
Desperately trying to stuff you down
I began to fight
It seemed everywhere I turned you were there
Looking at your pain was more than I could bare
I became desperate to push you away
Little compromises started creeping back into my day
Little compromises turned into enourmous ones that could not be taken back
All those good morals I had worked on were under massive attack
I tried to fix what was broken myself but it was all in vain
All my efforts just brought on more self destruction and pain
I looked up to heaven with my hands held high
Please forgive me Lord and started to cry
I've made a mess of my life as anyone can see
Wanting your Grace to restore me back to what you would have me to be
God showed me the only way to heal was to turn back and face the pain of the past
If I wanted any kind of peace that could last
I had tried everything I knew to avoid this task at hand
Afraid this pain my heart could not withstand
Now that I am forced to take a good look at you for exactly who and what you are
I see that you are a beautiful little girl even if a little battered and scarred
Now that I have faced the pain of the past
Those chains of yesterday are fading at long last
Walking through the pain did not kill me you see
God was right there walking with me
Hush little girl you need not cry anymore
For I love you and will abuse you no more
Little child within I'm sorry it took me so long to see
That you are a most beautiful part of me!!
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